Stark Raving Love

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Archive for the ‘Jackassery’ Category

Best Trivia Factoid Evah

Was listening to the This Day Back In The Day quiz on The Rise Guys Show on KHTK Sports 1140 this morning when Quizmaster Maximus Whitey Gleason dropped the best trivia factoid evah.

The Question: What year did (some science) Magazine publish the article “Why Stalin will live to be 100″?

The answer – 1953.

On the VERY DAY HE DIED!

I want that superpower! Kind of like that cat in the nursing home that “knows” who will be the next patient to die.

If I had that power, I’d begin penning articles about Osama Bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri, and many more. Yes, many, many more.

Time to make a list.

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  • Filed under: Jackassery
  • Bear Grylls. Dude.

    Just… dude.

    “Just lay back, and think of England!”

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  • Filed under: Jackassery
  • Bizzaro World Whitey Gleason

    Rumors are circulating that Sports 1140 KHTK’s Whitey Gleason

    Creep Miester Maximus

    100% Original Rise Guy: Two Centuries and counting

    is something of an Action Movie Star.

    But are there two Whitey Gleasons?

    One, a sharp witted broadcaster, mimic, parody song-crafter, and basketball whipping boy.

    The other, the Bizarro Whitey Gleason?

    Consider:

    Bizarro Whitey Gleason as we see him in 1988’s Die Hard

    IntrospectiveBizarroWhiteyGleason

    Is that an H&K MP5? Nice.

    Here, Bizarro White Gleason ponders: Why I am I the normal brother?

    Memorable and Compelling Radio? Can it be done?

    I don’t always wear glasses

    Until Bruce Willis interrupts his thoughts

    Damn That Phantom!

    Put down the gun Bruce, I do a pretty good Jay Leno…

    Bruce, isn’t smitten with the Leno impersonation…

    Can I have a machinegun, to scare all the kids down the street?

    Eyes Wide Open

    Following this, Bizarro Whitey Gleason finds himself adrift.

    Trafficking in Human Organs

    The depths of depravity

    The depths of depravity

    Threatening kids in a lunchroom

    He's got a Gun!

    And he’s not afraid to use it.

    Apparently, all hippied up, and living in a commune

    Letting himself go.

    No respect for himself.

    A humiliating low – swimsuit model

    That's not <i>too</> ghey...

    Next up, ghey men’s magazines

    Finally becoming introspective

    Candy Ass, can I see your Man Card?

    Candy Ass, can I see your Man Card?

    Before returning to the Chummy Pal we all know and love. Seen here rawkin’ the WalkMan, listening to the Bay City Rollers.

    Wears this cap to bed.

    He blames this look on the influence of his older brother

    Apparently, Bizarro Whitey Gleason also has an older brother, Bizarro Phantom

    Icon

    Icon

    Who greets parishioners at church as he prepares to read from Scripture, thusly

    Hey Everybody!

    A reading from the Book of “And The Horse You Rode In On”

    Conclusion: The Bizarro Whitey Gleason has never been seen at Wiener Works. Therefore, there are two Whitey Gleasons.

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  • Filed under: Jackassery, Radio
  • Overheard above the din of fresh Nikes squeaking on the White House Court:

    “As I have always said, that was a foul.”

    “Make no mistake, I will make both of these free throws.”

    “We never suggested that both free throws were a requirement to win this game.”

    “Some have suggested that I called ‘glass’. Let me be clear, if I did indeed make my shot by banking it off the backboard, then I did call ‘glass’. However, if I missed the shot, then it was because we inherited these bent rims from the previous administration’s policy of using them at Guantanamo Bay. Our allies around the world have lost respect for us because of this policy, and it has fomented new round-ball challengers in the Arabian Peninsula.”

    The Blue Moon of 2009 – 2010

    Happy New Year

    Nice Arrangement

    Ahhh, Deano

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  • Filed under: Jackassery, Music
  • The Customer Is Always Right! Mostly. Sometimes.

    Hit the local Round Table Pizza (2650 Cameron Park Dr. Ste 100 Cameron Park, CA 95682 (530) 677-9055) Saturday night when we discovered that, apparently, the children would like to consume some nourishment before retiring for the evening.

    Called in the order for a large King Aurthur Supreme, and one Medium Cheese. Ready in 25 minutes. Five minute drive over to the eatery, paid, asked for Parmesan Cheese and Crushed Red Peppers – they’re out of Parmesan, and have one packet of Red Peppers available.  Well then, fine.

    Clerk / Manager opens both boxes (to ensure quality?) confirms pizzas are contained therein. Took Pizzas home. Opened the Medium Cheese: If I had poured lighter fluid (or some other suitable accelerant) on it, set it ablaze, and placed it in a plutonium pile in an active reactor I couldn’t have burned it more. Pretty much Coal Shale, with black as the primary hue, and a smattering of phlegm brown for effect.

    Called Round Table: Friend, you’ve clearly conducted a calorie burning test on this disc of carbon, I need you to make this right. Response: ’sure, it will be ready in 15 minutes’. Wait ten minutes, then drive back.

    Now, we’ve frequented this establishment for 14 years. The past two years the quality has been… inconsistent and in decline. So I asked to speak with the Manager, seeking no additional relief, just to acknowledge that they seemed to be having a quality control problem, because clearly there is a problem, since the fellow who completed our transaction opened both boxes and saw the evidence of nuclear weapons development contained in the Medium Cheese Pizza Box, and sent it out the door anyway. Just an effort to curb any repeat incident. Response: ‘That was the manager, and he just left for his break (whispered aside: I think he was trying to dodge you)’.

    My response: Perhaps I shall frequent the Pizzeria across the roadway then.

    Clerk’s response: ‘Ah, okay. Sorry.’

    In summation: the Round Table Pizza at 2650 Cameron Park Dr. Ste 100 Cameron Park, CA 95682 (530) 677-9055 should be avoided.

    I’m Actor Troy McClure 10/20/09

    I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such Do-It-Yourself home videos such as “The half-assed approach to foundation repair”

    I’m Actor Troy McClure 10/16/09

    Hello, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as “Designated Drivers, the Lifesaving Nerds” and “Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness”.

    I’m Actor Troy McClure 10/14/09

    Hello, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as “Mothballing Your Battleship” and “Dig Your Own Grave and Save”.

    I’m Actor Troy McClure 10/12/09

    Hello, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV spinoffs as “Son of Sanford and Son” and “After Mannix”.